My name is Thomas...or is it Judas?

I've been wondering lately what my purpose in working with kids is. What does God have in store for me? It's funny that Mike posted his recent 'Marginalia' post about the same time that I'm wondering many of the same things as him. It could have something to do with the fact that we live in the same place, but I'm not going to entertain that idea...it would be too easy. Although it could be something in the water.

Anyways, at the youth group I work with, we just finished the story of Jesus right around Easter. Since then I've been having the leaders tell the kids -- in the weekly talk -- about what this whole God/Jesus thing means to them. They've been telling these warm fuzzy stories about feeling accepted by God and being able to turn to God when they couldn't turn to anyone else..blah blah blah. Can I vomit now? The reason I say that is because I've never felt that crap. My entire history of faith has for the most part been brief moments of clarity surrounded by an assload of doubt.

I suppose my job, my purpose, is to share Jesus with these kids. Two problems: 1) I don't even feel like I have a grasp on that stuff most of the time. What is it that they need to hear about Jesus? My pastor and I were having a discussion the other day, and he elaborated on it in his sermon this past Sunday. He made the comment that in the church we have a tendency to lay out the story of Jesus as if he is saving us from God. That God is punishing us for being so bad and Jesus came to repair that relationship so we don't die. This is the part of 'sharing Jesus' that really turns me off to it.

At these camps we go to, on the night the speaker is going to talk about sin, he always encourages us leaders to let the kids wrestle with the idea that they sin and can't have a relationship with God. As if they've driven him far away. Do the kids not already have enough to worry about and to be scared about? Their parents are splitting, they get beat up at school everyday, and the list goes on... How then do I share about Jesus? This leads to problem 2): I'm not good at having conversations about spirituallity...especially with kids. I think the main reason is that I want to be absolutely sure that I'm not trying to convince these kids of anything. This whole Christianity thing is a HUGE deal. It's something that i want them to CHOOSE, not be talked into. I want them to come to this choice (if they do) completely on their own...so it completely belongs to them. So they know exactly why they are making any decision in regards to Jesus.

Maybe that's my place. Maybe it's perfectly fine for me to be the doubter guy that lets them choose this stuff on their own. The only way that I feel like I can share the whole Jesus thing with them is through actions. Man that sounds cheesy! I consider myself a pacifist and try to take that to the extreme. Not only do I not physically want to impose myself anywhere, but ideologically I try to shy away from imposing my views. In any public setting, I will only engage in spiritual conversations if it is brought up by someone else or 100% appropriate (such as camp or church). It's about letting people come to their own conclusions on their own terms. I'm pretty sure that alot of other leaders and parents and other folks who work with kids, see the way I interact with the kids, and wonder if I'm actually doing my job. Apparently they think my job is to convert these kids: to make sure that they are perfect little Christians.

Unfortunately, I don't have any conclusion to this.