Aaaahhhhhh!

When I moved back to Santa Cruz in 2003 I started volunteering for Young Life. I also worked with the middle school ministry -- WyldLife. In 2004 I took over as the coordinator for WyldLife because the girl who was on staff left. In May of 2006 I went on staff. Last night, 1 May 2008, was my last club. I still have some office stuff to finish up in order to earn my monthly wage, but other than that I'm done!

It's one of the best feelings ever!!! Before I started with Young Life I was a volunteer leader for a church youth group in my home town. To sum it up, my entire adult life has been spent working with middle school kids in the realm of Christian ministry. So, my excitement about leaving staff and no longer even working with Young Life doesn't come without some apprehension. It's not that I'll miss the work but that I have apparently reached some big milestone.

I've never been too excited about preaching to kids but for some reason it was important to me for these kids to have some decent role model in their life. Not that I'm necessarily a great person, but I'm not their parents, I'm not their friends, I'm not their teacher, and I'm not a drug addict. I am something that falls in between all of those. I'm the guy that a kid can actually talk to and act normal around because there is no need to impress me, keep me happy, or stay out of trouble.

Over the years I decided that that aspect was more important than anything. And I still think that.

There is two aspects that I want to write about in reference to why I'm so happy about leaving: the Christian part and the "burn out" part.

CHRISTIAN: The short version of the section below is this: It's not that I don't believe in God anymore, it's just that I don't really give a FUCK!

When I first started working with YL I was attracted to the way they did the gospel thing. Later I would realize that this was a local thing as opposed to a YL in general thing. Then, YL was just about hanging out at Club (the weekly youth group aspect) and bowling or whatever other activities we would invite the kids along for. In a way, our goal was to just make the kids part of our life...like friends. From a Jesus standpoint I liked it because I thought that their way of talking about sin was different with the typical church -- i hated the church and I still do. What I mean by "the church" is the popular view of most Christians have about the relationship of God and Jesus and the people of the world...and then how the rules, traditions, and images that we must maintain fall into all of that bullshit.


When I went to camp with a group of kids the first time I learned that I hate alter calls. What I saw was the lemming effect: one kid (who may or may not have had a genuine God experience) proclaim that they found the Lord. Then another, then another, another, and so on and on. At some point you get the feeling that it's just an image thing...and the trap of Christianity begins.

A year or so later I decided that the formerly "progressive" (or so it seemed to me when I first bought into it) explanation of sin, as a separation from God and not necessarily the badness that we do, was complete shit. I have another explanation for sin and what I think a healthy relationship with God might look like...but I've posted about that before so I wont waste time here.

I also began to have a hard time figuring out how Christianity can make a damn bit of difference when a kid has been abused, is on drugs, is poor, can't read, has a bad home life in general, or any other shit that the kids have to deal with. On top of this, I couldn't understand why, when kids have to deal with so much, we would want to put all this pressure of living up to some institutionalized Christian standard.

But, I stuck with it for a long time because I still felt that it was important to be part of the lives of the kids and this was a great way to do it.

Eventually I completely changed the way we present the gospel to our middle school kids. Within a year or two so did a group in North Carolina, which led YL to issue THE NON-NEGOTIABLES OF YOUNG LIFE. This was a set way that the Gospel had to be presented - no ifs, ands, or buts about it! Before that I was on the verge of considering going off staff but that set it in stone.

There is no way that I'm going to work for an organization who claims the name of Christ as its leader and then does that kind of shit. Unfortunately there is no one way to understand the bible. If there was we'd be much better off. But YL was determined to make sure that people learned stuff their way. Their way of interpreting the gospel I find to have the potential of being harmful to anyone who isn't smart enough or jaded enough to think through shit for their self.


BURN OUT: The short version of this section, and it sounds a little bit boastful or something like that, is that I care too much and I don't want to do it for a while.

I've learned things about kids that nobody else knows about them. I've seen sides of kids that they never let anyone else see. They always have to put on some kind of front for their parents or their friends or whomever. The more I got to know kids, the more helpless and worthless I felt. What could I do?!? The kid that can't read, I can help. The most I could do for a kid whose home life is completely screwed up but not illegal, is be there for him to vent to -- yes that's important, but it's hard to know that's all you can do. According to YL I could also offer him God's love...how precious!

I have piercings, I don't dress like a square. When people look at me they probably don't think "oh, I would love for my kid to hang out with that guy." But, I'm a pretty nice guy...and I'm not a moron. Of course this following statement isn't always true, I think it's faily accurate: because of the fact that I'm not very refined, when people learn that I'm okay, they really like me. It's like they expect one thing and when they get another they are so excited that I'm one of the greatest people ever.

That leads in to this. I have got to know a ton of people. Some very well, others just kind of well. This is both parents and kids. I've observed things in families that a teacher, pastor, coach, or family friend don't get to observe. It's wierd! The more people I got to know and the more kids that got to know me, and I them, the more of their shit I had to deal with. My biggest character flaw is that I care too much for other people and not nearly enough for myself. I live with other people's pain. I think about it when I go to bed...it keeps me up.

I tried really hard to encourage my leaders to hang out with kids. Not everyone is cut out for it. But, when a kid couldn't get ahold of a leader they wanted to hang out with they'd call me. I generally have a lot of time to kill so I would hang out. Then I'd learn about them. I'd get to know their folks. And the same story continues.

Eventually you start to shut down. You can't stand to get to know more kids so you don't do much anymore. The kids who you wish you didn't know because they aren't the kind of person you generally like to hang out with are the next to go. Before you know it, the kids and families who you know the best and spend a lot of time with begin to get to you. You shut them out. What your left with is sitting at home. Wishing you could drink yourself into oblivion. But you still have to hang out because it's your job. Now, you're faking it. You realize that you're not being as sociable as you used to be so you force yourself to act like you used to.

Try to live that...it's gets old fast. It's not that I don't care anymore. I still lose sleep over other peoples' problems. I still meet new people and love every minute of it. But I'm tired.

.........................................

Basically, the story is this. What was once a turning point in my life became a thorn in my side. Because I don't care about the Christianity thing and don't find much importance for it, I want to distance myself from it. I don't want that to be the foundation for my relationship with the people I know and care about. It's as simple as this: I know the people I live around and they know me; they're fucked up and I'm fucked up -- and sometimes that's fine; we don't need to fix each other and we don't need to tell each other how to live; we just need to be there for each other with no strings attached. If not just because I know so many people, I will always work with kids in some way. I'll always care for people too much. But at least I won't be bound by the rules and expectations of a morally debased organization.


It's awesome!!!

The only thing I want to make sure of is that I don't simply react. That my relationships with people don't become based on the fact that I used to by tied down by YL and I now am not. I want to make sure that I am just Rob without YL...nothing more. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone who will read this, but it makes sense to me.